September 28, 2013
This song just hits me in the right spot. Breathe it in!
September 23, 2013
I love my Dad, I’m gonna go ahead and state it.
Got a lot of his mannerisms, gab gab, is one of my favorites.
He and my Mom, were children when I was born.
Set now – figure it out – family’s forlorn.
A lot of that pressure to provide the path, dealing with his own neurological past.
Big family- Zoley baby, June and 6 others.
Clem and Stella created my beautiful mother.
Putting it together outside of Detroit.
Tied knots – proved points.
This is what we both need.
Say goodbye to Fathers and Mothers, hello Godspeed.
The Emperor spoke the promise of promises.
Family history, looked over sewn up trauma.
They did all they knew in order to show me the sun.
Put limits on me and the television.
Mom and Dad together was short.
3-4 years building living rooms, building forts.
There’s more to every story including theirs, telling’s not necessary to clear the air.
Dad and I didn’t have a ton of time, weekends, every other to keep each other in line.
Kind of fighting the same battles at different coordinates.
The Tourette’s label on us, insubordinate.
That’s okay and it’s all fine.
We got today and we can make the time.
Some say late start, I say we’re in our prime.
Little did I know how much we missed,
Now, each past could cease to exist.
Dad, I got the same hang ups- different starting points.
But, if you ever need me to pick you up, you know I’m still your boy.
Now that’s outta the way
Bring it on down to TN one of these days.
So many funny things about being a man.
Understand, pardon, forgive the best you can.
September 19, 2013
Do I really need to eat all of the ice cream?
And do I require every story told to involve little ole me?
Is it completely necessary to begin the beginning of poems with words ending with a “Y” or “E”?
Stress for stress’s sake can deal dealings on it’s own.
Any possibility of allowing some people not to adore me?
When I say “hello”, has it become obsession to expect acknowledgement?
We could both just be in the middle of a bad day expressed in different ways
I need acknowledgement, you may need quiet.
That’s not how I do it, so let me pull you out of temporary slumping.
That’ll fill me right up.
It’s a new method of coping.
Ryan, can you ponder?
Oh, yes Ryan, I can ponder.
Ryan, does it help in easing your mind?
Well Ryan, it’s tricky to rock around, to rock around all night on time, it’s tricky. Tricky.
Mr. Ryan, do you find enjoyment jumping from 1985 to 2013 and then back to 1993
All together at the end of such traveling to look down at your feet
And once again realize where you’re actually standing?
That depends on the day, time of day, time of the month and seasoning.
Change, change it up, I pick it up when I see it laying lonely on the market floor.
Beetles and insects of other kinds, I have a hard time squashing
When beetles and insects of other kinds are magnified when lit behind curtains and blinds as we’re watching creepy movies.
Ryan, do you believe you’re a bad guy?
Well, Ryan.. I guess sometimes.
And that sometimes is split between believing I’m unstoppable.
I have two hands, two feet, two eyes, and I used to have two warts on my right hand and two on my left knee.
I have one tattoo on the top of each hand, each on each ring-finger.
I look, live and like to balance.
I look, live and like to balance.
I look, live and like to balance.
I look, live and like to balance.
I look, live and like to balance.
I look, live and like to balance.
The balancing becomes rigidity
The looking becomes frantic searching.
The living becomes monotony.
The liking becomes needing.
Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing the wind. Ecc. 4-6
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Gal. 22, 23
September 9, 2013
We All Believe.
I may seem a little down on humanity
And it may even seem that I don’t like me
Lightly esteem traditions men use while conquering -
We fight for something new
We run as fast as our fat-waxing hands
Falling for and hoping to see
Utopian descent – showing up in weeds
If I give up on you, then I give up on me
Then show me methods of how shall we hope
We say to us all – believe in each other
We go right back under the covers
We sink back into the box we sleep in
Well, we depend..
Depend on this and that.
Depending on tongues
Silver and sleek,
Burning to worship -
To the degree
The tallest man and his primitive posture
My friends and my enemies, and the deeper lines of families
Why are we so enthralled with servility?
Wetting lips for finding freedom in
These tiny towers of psychology
My friends, my enemies .. I do believe
We’ve run amok in processes
My friends and others I’ve never known
Are we as righteous as we all believe?
Another fixation impairing me from truly loving people is rigidity; my absoluteness in my own life-patterned rulebook; my belief in the religion of perfection. I’ve grown afraid of disappointing people by doing (in my own life) what they may be afraid of. In other words, through interacting with their lifelong fears, I find myself operating in their fear bubble. I may not have even been aware of such an irrational fear before I began the relationship, but now, here it is. It shows up in different aspects of my life, and not necessarily in the same way it affects the person I acquired it from. It begins to shape-shift and tangle itself around the way I continue to live. The more and more I let it have its way, the more and more I almost forget it’s there, and down the road it morphs into something else in me from another time and may leech onto other people. Like a virus. The enemy comes to kill and destroy. How better to succeed in that than by showing different faces to humans with different faces. Like looking in a mirror, stepping away and forgetting what we look like.
I’m terrified to go in and out of these irrational coloring lines in the coloring book. These lines of operation were drawn on me before I was born. Expectations of my mother and father placed on each of them by their mother and father, and traveling back into our family line. So, my parents were doing what they could, and raising me (in part) the way they were raised. I understand my childhood wasn’t an exact replica of theirs, but I wonder, if we were able to have an overview of our little bloodline, if we’d see that in fact it wasn’t too far off after all. Certainly, I’m not complaining. It may sound like it, but I’m not. I’m writing this in hopes to get some sort of handle on this artery of thought. Maybe it’s unnecessary, and it sure could be, but I’m going to follow it.
So, the lines of conduct. I was trained in the parameters in which to grow – my own garden. I learn and become what is right and what is wrong based on that training. Yes, like a pet. It’s not too presumptuous to liken Ryan Rado to a dog or a pet monkey; in and out, in and out, being corrected for wandering too far outside of the lines and being praised for staying inside of them. I grow, I learn, I make mistakes, I’m corrected. I’ve been corrected, not only by my parents, but by teachers, the law, and other authority figures. Ahhh! Based on my education (as a grower), I don’t quite understand how to get it completely right. I get the idea of “never getting it all right,” I think. Well, no I don’t; because now, I’m susceptible on a cognitive level to impositions of sex, class, race and being shunned if I like Fruit Stripe Gum over Wrigley’s. Do you chew gum? What kind? Well, it’s not the “right kind.” I’m going to pressure you into changing. Got ya!
Now you’re allowing my preferences into your psyche, and these preferences were absorbed by me through the conduit of my upbringing, the right and wrongs my family lines observed. Pretty soon we’re lost, and that’s no way to live a good life. One reason could be that we’re so afraid of having our own ideas and ways of living. Sure we think we do, but, everything we do, eat, and prefer has been brought to us by SoSo Company or This Group, Inc.
What do we do? We please. We live our lives to please everyone. Even if we’re the most “in control being” and “independent thinker,” unaffected by others’ bull, we’re still so easily boxed and shipped to wherever the influencer wants to send us. We should take more time with meditation and prayer, and get even a couple fingers on why we choose McDonald’s over Burger King on certain days and depending on the way we’re “feeling.” Emotions drive us to addictions; addictions drive us to living emotionally. Back and forth, rocking and rolling, blundering and sinking. Yeah, I think too much… And sometimes I’m able to understand myself. Not all the time, but sometimes.
My fears cause me to want to control each situation. Everything is to line up. And, if the event or interaction doesn’t meet my expectations (either way), everything has gone or will go wrong. Based on my performance, I’ve caused it to go wrong! I don’t care what you say, it’s all because of little ole moi. It’s mostly because I’m so self-focused that I can’t allow any room for anyone else to piss somebody off. It’s always me, even if I haven’t seen you in a long, long time.
A good thing for me to keep in mind is this: My performance is nearly never 100% complete. I’ll never do the job 100% the way my boss wants me to. I’ll never write the thoughts you were expecting to read. We’ll never measure up to each other. Well, what if that race was never to be won? What if the idea of “being so awesome on the internet” wasn’t even a thing? Or, even better yet, what if we weren’t so freaking offended by everything all the time?! Ugh, that would be sweet, eh?
A buddy of mine admitted to me one time, “I find myself writing for my audience.” Whoa. That about floored me. We’re all doing that in some way. I’m making Facebook posts and Tweets to cause either a positive or negative response! It doesn’t matter what you give me, just give me something! It’s kind of like us as children acting like monkeys, taking whatever attention we can get, a hug or a smack.
We become legal-beagles, adhering to sets of assumed rules, spoken and unspoken. We sign up for an internship with every other authority on every other subject we choose or are influenced to pursue. I take my inventory by other human standards. I judge myself based on the other performances in this production. The universal motion picture.
Soon, our worth and purpose begin to rise and swell. We think. But, really what it’s doing is deceivingly cracking and flaking. Others may be able to see it, but us? Never. We’re all good! Then, the comments start…
He is so..
I’m way more than..
I cannot believe..
Have you heard this?
We need to..
If they say one more thing..
I’m sick of this..
We’re big. We’re flying way above. Eventually our inertia and fuel run out and we’re on our way back down. What shall we do? I need to keep the affirmations rolling in! I’m afraid to go back to the self before constant recognition! I may be exposed for being who I used to be! I know, I’ll assume a different role! I’ll try out for a different part in my production! I need to reinvent myself within the parameters of the fear bubble. Yes! I just can’t bear the thought of being who I was before I had all of This.
We perpetuate the pursuit of “This;” eventually it festers and becomes putrid. We destroy, we’re destroyed.
A prayer for us.
Father show us how blessed we are in our unbelief. Our time as measured in days, years and light years is a weak calculation as You are The Beginning and The End. We are role players. Thank you for our futile understanding of Cosmos. As we understand such complex strategies to uncover truth, let us not bury ourselves in selfish intention.
Give us the strength to be content. Living from discontentment to discontentment is so tiring. It’s just so we have something to fight. People, let us surrender to Hashem, boundless. Surrender us to the rules and rigidity men have placed on You by generational train-wrecks.
It’s okay for us to admit our weakness and our un-mastered sense of self. Our fight for internal freedom will never come from loud, obnoxious protesting. There is no man who possesses such power to grant such a freedom.
August 28, 2013
Pick. Poke. Assess ‘em all, so narrow.
Categorical, break down bone marrow.
Gotta watch your eyes.
Hold your glaze, daily basis
All subjects, all aces.
You’re all know-how.
Biggest voice, you enjoy your sound
Wait for it, wait for it, now!
All ears lapping up, plowing the ground
A mature cantaloupe
Question marks criteria
Taste maker, incomparable
Watermelons get so…
But, not you dude!
Strong mind, seeds of gumption
Not to be moved, swayed or booed.
Wait, you’re informally educated?
Yeah, me too.
High volumes, and chance
Got these little phantoms.
Fairy tailed fans.
Xerox a few, teach all your cues
Squashin’ their views
The eternal soap-box.
So crisp, so true.
I’m over here, this way!
My direction, take it and you’ll see.
I’m everybody’s Daddy.
Burn rubber blah hum bug blabber
I’ve set me up beautifully,
Set to increase my tricycle’s speed,
Now, let me hit that highway.
No cylinders. No need.
It’s All Me!
June 19, 2013
HEY! Anyone out there? Well, in case you stumble back upon this blog I’ll quickly explain -
Well, may be I’ll just start from right here. Over this 1.5 year experience of joblessness, racking my brain to heal an otherwise incurable disease and the breaking down of things I used to let rule me(and at time, still do) I’ve been writing it all down. Haven’t been sharing it too much in order to keep my own record of transparancy through reading a year+ worth of ideas, observations and self-alalysis. My conclusion – I don’t really know anything. Also, the more and more I believe I have something other to offer than only what is inside of me, the more and more I become deceived by the pursuit and acheivement of status in the eyes of men. The physical world is only one beautiful manifestation of Our Father’s love. How much greater is the world that is unseen? The vibrations and refractions of light and energy and the mechanics of surrendering our frail attempts to become BIG. Realizing there is no “BIG”, and that humans only come in one size: small. … Limitlessness of God will overtake men, no matter how firey, unique or iconic he is. Father, overtake our high notions of self.
This next part is the basis for a book I’ve been writing called Duties Dishes. Say that title a few over and I think you’ll get it.
(please excuse any typos and grammatical errrrs.)
Dishes and laundry. I’m not really into doing either. I’m not sure if the posture I’m holding is incorrect or what, but I tend to get incredibly frustrated and tense as all get out. I begin talking out loud to myself and I quickly get in arguments with my past. It sure is strange. Doing dishes with involuntary movements creates broken dishes. So, for a long time, I’d do the plastic dishes and Christina would do the glass dishes. I’ve shattered mason jars we used to can food and some of my Mother-in-law’s old “china” plates. Not to mention numerous glasses, bowls and other fragile stuff. It’s the right hand, arm and side of my torso down to my lifting my left leg. This will cause something inside of my body to juggle and repeatedly throw up and down whatever is in my hand. So, I‘ve smashed phones, other people’s phones, restaurant glasses, iPods, computers, sunglasses..all of the fragile stuff. Laundry isn’t very fragile, but something about the repetitive movement and shifting of limbs make something so routine take so long and require a lot more energy.
Now to relate this to life. Routine. It requires a lot of energy for the discipline of routine. Having the critical thinking ability to not just throw everything out the window and stay on course. Work, school, family, recreational commitments, church, friends, our past and the possibilities and anxieties of the future. The obligations and commitments without even a loose understanding of the word “discipline” defined will eventually crush motivation for anything other than what keeps us barley breathing and just getting by. I saw a bumper sticker today in the parking lot of McDonald’s out here in Hohenwald that read “ Work sucks – I’m goin’ on tour”. I chuckled, I didn’t laugh. I didn’t laugh because I’ve had that exact thought and did that exact thing.
In 2004 I was living in the West End Apartments with a number of other friends. We occupied on floor of this old hotel building. The place was sweet, and in a great location. It was dank, to say the very least. Dank in every form. I was going through numerous jobs, numerous times of not having jobs, over-weight, very tired and a space cadet. I saw other friends working and gaining stability in order to do the work they were passionate about. Bands, art.. Well, that’s about all there was for us. Church! There was church, too.
Anyway, I was depressed, I was girlfriend-less and broke and 24 years old. I thought I’d be CEO, CFO and General Manager of the world by now. So, what did I do? I left an apartment, a car (which I was “financing” from a friend”, friends . I went on tour. Bailed out! I ran in a van to California for 3 weeks. After that 3 weeks? I was in the same position. Tired, depressed, broke, but n now I had a girlfriend! And, this girlfriend would later become my wife. Sheesh, talk about a diamond in the rough!
I smashed everything and took The Big Easy. And, after The Big Easy gave in, I was “stupefied”. I had my pride, though! I couldn’t let anyone know that I fallen flat on my fat face. What now? Back to the routine! And, on and on.. In and out, around and never really straight through. I took the easy road in nearly every scenario. If I didn’t want to do the dishes, or didn’t have the energy – smash. Job – smash. Friends – smash. You get it.
Christina and moved to the country inn Columbia, TN about 1.5 years ago. We were in line to find our own sense of peace. I was still smashing dishes and driving like a goof. I was still irresponsible and incredibly mind-spaced. I took Disability Benefits and began to sink.
However, we needed this time away. We needed to be the only people in our lives for a good while. We had been living very separate lives. I’d be doing band stuff, and other things that would lead me out at night with the intention of just “doing” something. Mostly so I wouldn’t feel like a lazy critter. So, I could give myself purpose and worth. She would be at home watching movies, and just being by herself. We were both great at isolating, but in completely different ways. Shoot, I was living as a single guy again with a woman who helped pay the bills. We committed our lives to each other, but only in business. We had the intention of slowing down and getting to know each other more deeply, but we were spinning and sinking.
I couldn’t handle routine. I couldn’t handle the mundane aspects of my Non-rock-star-celebrity life. I’m a normal dude, and at that time.. There was no way I was going to settle for that crap. Not me! Ryan Rado – I’m huge! So, I went back to smashing. I was working to escape a normal life. Work a job.. Get a check.. Be married.. And procure happiness. I was doing everything to stay far away from that, maybe because it didn’t seem real. Not for me. For others..sure, but I’m way different from “all of the others”. Well, that mindset just about killed me. I lived in the aspiration of becoming noticed. Noticed for an occupation rather than who I actually am on the inside. Know for what I do, not who I am. Okay, what was I doing? Working some, band guy, social dude, fringe operator..oh and punk-rocker. Who am I? 1 in 7 billion. HAHAH! That rules! It takes so much of the pressure off. What pressure? To be awesome? Well, yeah. Awesome in the eyes of every socket looking at the internet.
Thank you Lord for breaking my pride with my own power. (Leviticus 12)
Accepting the fact that I’m just a mark, and marks are easily erased. But, I had to go through and not around. I had to allow myself to not have to “be someone”. To live in this world, but not of it. To live a quiet life. Does that require not having any fun? Hmm, don’t think so.. But the idea of fun just shifts. I still like to go to shows and get weird with my friends, but I don’t find myself very bored anymore. At this point (and hopefully there are points to come), I can sit outside and watch the butterflies and the bees, the birds and the tress. I’m a Zen master? NO WAY, JOSE! I still enjoy driving my blood from time to time, but now I don’t have to constantly elevate it to enjoy myself. That, in itself is a “fun-shift” for this guy.
Still don’t like doing dishes and laundry is just, ugh. But, if a man doesn’t work, he doesn’t eat.
The making of the list:
This list consists of duties:
Dishes and making sure the laundry switches.
It’s smart to do chores and they never quit..
It seems like they increase after ya get hitched.
Feeding the dogs and wiping down counters.
Picking up the place n’ ironing my trousers.
Bathroom toilet, sink and shower.
Skin, paper and hair become tiny tall towers.
And, it just feels good to have a clean bathroom.
Cut the frays off of the worn-in blouse
I don’t wear a blouse, but I’m not the only one who lives in this house.
If she needs me to do to the store for unmentionables
I used to feel strange, but acts of service are monumental.
Quality time and loving words.
We so different, but we form one herd.
She’s in my pack and I’m in hers.
Of course there are times
I’d love to step out of line
Throwing out our investment
But, when the mind plays it out again and again
There’s never cooler basement with cooler friends.
Do I think about completely bailing?
Being on the open road to a destination of parasailing?
Well, not necessarily that..but, I guess.
Are there times when her voice is grating?
Okay, that’s enough.. Sure, desire..You win that thought.
But, here’s a list that consists of the catch we’ve caught..
Someone to sleep next to at night
A worthy opponent in unnecessary fights
The expression of a look when I done good.
Someone to sail through seas of should, could and would.
A nice back-rub just when you need it
They tell you every time you got stinky feet-ses.
Breakfast, lunch and dinner we make for the two of us.
The arising argument right in the middle of it
The come-down and splitting off in to
divided rooms and spiteful attitudes
Tracing back through how it all happened
Words, tone, volume and actions
Being courageous while facing exhausted eyes
Hey, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let in those crazy lies.
Dealing with such a group inventors
Reinventing themselves as staunch defenders
We break down and build back up
Give to each other from the same cup
A million reasons why I could bail..
You may not believe it,
Thank you a million for keeping me out of jail.
For that and that alone, I’ll do these dishes before you get home.
Fold the laundry and turn off my phone
These turn into simple pleasures for the privilege of keeping a home.
February 1, 2013
A couple of weeks ago I went to Salt Lake City to see a chiropractor about my heel spurs. While was there I realized my trip wasn’t about my heel spurs, bc after X-rays I didn’t have any. It was about stepping outside of my narrow scope and understanding. Or, understanding in part. I was able to see things and speak words I haven’t been able to. I was able to help people I’d never even met. Not quite like a mission trip or anything, or maybe it was. It was layered, I guess? Only when I arrived home was I able to process it all. All 5 days it. Not a long time, but wonderful. My friend Chirs asked if I want to be a part of this pod-cast called “The Shrink Show” while I was there, you know I would! It was with his brother-in-law, Tysen and a guy named Dr. Matt. A clinical psychologist at The University of Utah. This interview and the video in the last posting were crucial in my understanding of issues I had not yet dealt with. Thank you so much, Chris, Tysen, Dr. Matt, Dr. Giles, Nancy, Molly, Holly, Greg, Colin and the Kimble Family, Sara Quintero and Derik Hendrickson. You guys helped me see.
Here is the link to “The Shrink Show” website and a handsome picture of Tysen. The other dude isn’t too bad either!! It’s kinda long, but I think you’ll enjoy it!
Thank you, friends!
(Dina, where you at sister?! Please email me, I’ve been out of touch for a while. Hope all’s well for you guys.