Okay, so reading poses a sort-of stammer for my eyes and then links instantly to my voice-box. What I’m saying is that I did not proof-read this post. It stands how it hit me, hope you can forgive my poor grammar and execution. Any questions pertaining to the subject matter of these ideas should be expressed at Ryanrado@gmail.com. I’d love to hear your thoughts/ideas/frustrations. In process, walking, not running a race. That’s too mentally and physically taxing..
Soapbox: Alternative cultures present a “glass ceiling” limiting artistic ability, mental development and spiritual growth just like the “mainstream”. Same medication, different idea of expression. Existing in any extreme culture is limiting us from expression being realized. We operate (in most aspects) within the confines of said culture. If you break out, you’re either rejected or revered. We still have that choice.
It seems that every form of control wether emotional, spiritual, economical, gender..ect and it’s infrastructure could in essence be mis-construed as “shelter”. We enter into this shelter, find acceptance, warmth, saftey..everything a growing soldier needs to endure. Slowly, we’re turned into walking versions of the imposed. Instead of unconditional love and/or acceptance we start to accept and love..we begin to see ourselves in the shadow of what has been shown, taught or forced. We become even more fragile and convinced to remain helpless. Dependent. Like an infant. Leaving us hopeless is the gate to “heaven”. WIDE OPEN. Using fear, not respect to hold us and groom the intrinsic loving nature WE WERE BORN WITH straight out of us. I remember “becoming” a “born again christian” and learning to allow my values of tolerance, acceptance and self-worth as an 18 year old kid) to sneak out the back door because of the allure of a gang mentality. If you’re a homo-sexual, you’re wrong, if you have an abortion, you’re horrible, if you listen to Nirvana..I’m going to throw your cd at the wall if a fit of un-dealt-with rage. Pretty much, what/whichever move you make, you’re dead wrong. Well, can I say this to you? If I’m wrong in the simple idears (listening to Kurt tell me how bummed he is), have you ever considered that Big Mac? Ever considered attending an event in a building on a Sunday only through obligation? The list of finger pointing goes on and on and on. FOREVER. If we let it.
Dibilitating thoughts, obsessive rituals, explosive behavior, emotional polarity. Been there. Still there. But, I’m understanding where there are coming from. Years of influence, years of absorbing visuals, toxic chemicals, years of believing and operating under the false ideas of who I actually am. Most of the time imposed, usually from a man or woman who is too afraid to actually listen and not fire-off defenses. (finger-pointing) Think of the words we hear every day, in church, on television, in the bank and even at the grocery store.. “set apart”, “exclusive”, “gold card” “the finest ingredients” – STATUS. I DESERVE EVERYTHING ALL THE DAMN TIME. They are determining you status as a HUMAN BEING. They = The folks who create the marketing campaigns, who make the decisions on where the money goes. Oh, and us.. We buy it all! No conspiracy, these folks exist and their job is to convince you that YOU NEED THEM. Do you? Do I? Not sure. It sure seems that way, eh? What if it only SEEMS that way? What if it isn’t that way…
Nope, realistic. Is it realistic to think that I can exist without an iPhone? An Apple computer? This damn brownie sitting infront of me on this table at a coffee shop in Columbia, TN? Is it possible to exist without the fear of eyeballs popping out of there sockets looking directly at me moving involuntarily? HELL YES. It is.
We’ve been driven to living lives of addiction. Addiction to this brownie (the chemicals in it), the interaction of the phone, instant gratification, FB, Twitter, Hyper-religious lifestyles (being addicted to Jesus:)), working out, getting tattooes, it’s not just the “bad things”.. Marijuana, alcohol, blah blah.. IT’S EVERYTHING WE ARE CHEMICALLY DEPENDENT ON. ALL OF IT.
Try this.. Next time you’re in your bed, lights off before sleep and you’re jamming on the phone right in front of your face, blue light, switching screen, who could be pissed on FB, did Refused release a new record? Is At The Drive In coming to my town?? ..I gotta FIND OUT NOW! Okay, it’s time to sleep, I gotta wake up for work tomorrow. I gotta go to work, because I HAVE TO HAVE money. BUT, THE THOUGHT OF PUTTING THIS DAMN PHONE DOWN MAKES MY CHEST WELL UP. Anxiety. Right before sleep, peace, recharging..well, now I can’t sleep. Induce sleep with pill, alcohol, xanax, melatonin, even sugar ( I do that especially). A CYCLE NEVER-ENDING.
Induced sleep is coma-sleep.
Jeez, I haven’t written like this in some months. It feels good, but this, too, can create anxitey and an addiction to BITCHIN’!
Sometimes, I think and feel that I’m a self-righteous ding-dong, maybe so..but I’m working on flushing the unlearned ideas about who I am out of every pore, every bone, every vein. Straight up. It’s been hell. Sure, there are worse conditions to deal with, but I’d never say that to anyone dealing with involuntary movement of any kind, be that.. thoughts, chemicals, limbs, whatever the ailment is. We all have them, in different manifestation.
I’ll say this as I come to an ending..
You are not and have never been what marketing says you are. We’re all in influenced. You’re not just a label, diseased, crazy, fat, too skinny, obsessive, mean or a monster. Sure, we may posses these characteristics, but think about this..
WE WERE ALL BORN PERFECT. ATTACHING AN IDEA OF EVIL, SIN or INCONVENIENCE TO A HELPLESS INFANT IS EVIL. EVIL COMING FROM ADULTS, who’ve had decades of whatever influence to mold their opinions. Ask yourself, do you actually believe in attaching the concept of “sin” to a human? What war does that create internally? And externally? Be honest with yourself, YOU’RE NOT A SINNER. Furthermore, you’re (as a living breathing, organic, unique, fearfully and wonderfully made HUMAN) not as easily blanketed by statements which cause perpetual self-deprication. There is a vast difference between understanding your faults and flaws and swimming around in a sess-pool of self-loathing disguised as “obedience”. If we are to obey God, and God made us in his image..then there’s only man’s interpretation of what obedience looks like. And that, coming from a man or woman who feels that they require a written credential from another man/woman. COME ON! Jesus chose 12 Laymen. And, in my very humble opinion , we’re BADASSES! Each unique, each afraid and each brilliant. So, the next time that Ryan Rado thinks he’s God’s gift to humanity, hopefully he’s take a second to clearly process and come to the understanding that he is a very important part the THE WHOLE. (Like ALL OF US).
God wants us to have a happy heart. And when we have a happy heart..we’re not a jerk! I need a road map.
Thank you for reading..and watching. 3:12 is the spot.