The Tree Of Souls
Christina and I finished watching Avatar last night on our new FLAT SCREEN TELEVISION. And nope, it sure wasn’t in 3D. I could definitely see what all the fuss was about. It was obvious that it would’ve rocked my socks off had I watched it through those awesome sunglasses. The story was inspiring to me to say the least. I’m sure there are parts of the film that didn’t come across as well as James Cameron had imagined, but on the whole- it got me. Three-quarters through the movie is where/when I started feeling attached to the characters and how they served one another and what they were protecting/preserving. The homeostasis of all things on Pandora.
There were two sequences in which I felt my heart strings pull life from the past 5 months of work straight into one concept that made complete sense…
1. It was when Sigourney Weaver’s character was dying after being shot by The General in their escape to rejoin the resistance. They brought her to The Tree Of Souls. The only chance they had at saving her. Its purity was the last hope. Watching the Tree’s bright verve slowly climb from the soil around her shoulders and into the back of her neck was beautiful. That stood out the most to me. For a moment we all thought its energy was going to revive her, but it didn’t.
2. The battle was nearly over and in his last effort to “complete the mission”, The General smashed out a window of the pod where Jake was sleeping/fighting Cabin pressure was instantly lost- Jake began to choke on Pandora’s atmosphere. Crawling of the bed he reached for an air mask, but fell to the ground. Gasping. Ney-tiri, after ending a war with arrows, leapt into the pod and found Jake nearly dead. She placed the gas mask on his face, he began breathing, etc. What struck me in that scene was how feminine she looked while holding him.. More than at any point in the film. She was caressing his face with her enormous hands and looked into him. Her eyes were wide and her smile was beautiful.
So, the movie ended and we went to bed.
Over the course of our marriage there have been points where we both couldn’t see the next day with each other.. Would we be happier with someone else? Would it be easier if we were both on our own for a length of time? Are we ever going to be still with one another again? Lately, its been a lot of spending time with each other at arms length. Just to be in the same room with each other. We don’t get too close for too long because we both know what will happen. Tics. That’s hard to handle.
But, last night when Christina was lying down.. I sat next to her on the bed and held my left temple next to hers. For longer than just thirty seconds. About 5-10 minutes. I could smell her perfume and was brought back to some of the first times we ever held each other by the soft scent of shampoo mixed into her hair. I kissed her cheeks and kissed her eyelids. I could feel the walls start to crumble. In both of us. I held the back of her neck with my right hand, cupped the side of her face with my left and watched her fall asleep. I just sat there. Admiring her. I felt strong. I felt needed. For those short minutes, I was her protector.
This video was a part of yesterday’s minute increments..
A month before we started dating I left everything I owned and left Nashville to chase a dream in the music business. That’s when I made the Greyhound trip back across the country to be with her. She saved me. And its been that way ever since. She has been MY provider, MY protector and MY leader. Not the other way around. From what we both been taught about marriage and what we both believe about OUR marriage, it SHOULD be the other way around. I want to feel my strength to lead our relationship come from her when she’s unaware that it’s happening. Like last night.
I want to reconstruct our foundation of trust. She HAS to be able to count on me for the little things. You know? I want her to feel like my bride and not my mother, caretaker. For too long I’ve been the one to have EVERYTHING I need to feel “comfortable”, because I had such a hard life.
It has been “Ryan Rado first” almost the whole time. Truth is – my LIFE is awesome. I really have little to complain about. Days are met with interesting challenges of how to solve the equations which eventually guide us to becoming Kings and Queens of of own lives. Take that however you will, you know what I mean.
[Tree Of Souls] the life force of every living being on Pandora. I need to feel its root network transform all of my self-imposed weakness into a strong back and neck. Strong legs and shoulders to hold up the two of us. An intact mind to make better decisions for us. And gentle hands to repair old wounds.
Christina has been in this battle for 10 years now and I think that’s what struck me about the second scene mentioned. I’ve felt for a long time that she was the stronger and wiser of both of us. It’s true in some areas, but I desire to lead our resistance in preventing the devastation of our world, a world only the two of us know. And more midnights will pass where I’ll find myself married to our apartment floor reaching for her to save me. Please be my airflow.
After brushing my teeth I stepped back into our room and knew I had to get some of these ideas out. So, I typed this note in my phone while standing in the doorway..
Today, October 17 – 1:31 AM
“Dude, please don’t miss this one. Tonight, you thought it would be good to write these thoughts down while feeling inspired. It doesn’t matter how you feel right this moment as you’re waking up, man. Just go to the park and pour it out. This is important to you and will be another step toward wholeness for you both. Please don’t let anything stop you today. I love you, Ryan.