Indigo, soft blue.
WHEW! It’s been quite some time, eh? When I read the last post I made back in the summer I think one word “angry”, I don’t desire a life full of it. I wonder if anyone truly does, at their core. Anger…I’m a victim….they owe me something..it’s your fault, your fault and your fault.. I assume zero responsibility. Come on, Mr. Ryan. I believe I am more than the sum of seemingly negative events in my past. That was the past. It was perfect, it lead me here.. to this keyboard in this house in Columbia TN. My past is just that..in the past, my future is really unimaginable. If I’m in either of them well, then, I’m not here at this keyboard in Columbia TN. I’m not where my feet are. I’m living in guilt, shame and regret or anxiety of what is to come.. if anything! I desire to be fully present in this moment, this moment in which i’m not deserving of. The reality is, I’m a mark. I’m one mark made in pencil on one page in one book on one shelf in one home in one state in one country on one continent on one planet in one solar system inside and out of infinity. I’m not as important as display screens tell me I am, and in the same advertisement convince me I’m not. So, keep asking questions..keeep on it. Truth is: humans will never know every answer to their every little, futile, ridiculously unintelligent inquiries. Sorry. It just isn’t going to happen. Surrender to it, Ryan. It’s in surrender that I find this peace of mind I’ve been searching for even before this blog started. So, no matter how unintelligent, intellectual, creative or true-self-abandoning we are.. the answer is inside of all of us.. we’re just gluttons for more, and more..never satisfied, and yet we keep seeking satisfaction or whatever will medicate the gash where it once may have been and then has been re-buried in other times, people, places or by all of the items, thoughts and goals we have been convinced will complete us. We’re an extension of The Father, the answer is inside of ALL OF US. We are love, that’s really all of it. It’s what we all are searching for all the time, but even if we allow it into our lives, we do our best to not let it consume us, everything is on our terms all the time. We search for control in our lives, we will never find complete control, never. That’s so wonderful! Surrender to the search, because adopting such a title is exhausting, and is perpetuating One’s ignorance. Surrender to the not knowing, to the weakness, to the fact that we are only a very small portion of the “lead” in a number 2 pencil.. enough to make our mark and that’s it. That’s it, if we’re blessed. The rest is spent in floating, spinning and circling what we really desire.. to be grounded and solidified where our feet are at any GIVEN moment. A given moment..hmm, what an empowering thought. I think I’m tired, no, I know I’m tired.. I’m tired of building a persona/ego worth nothing but lead. Sounds heavy, but is actually a dusty and anger causing burden. In toxic amounts. Now, in quiet and stillness of Mooresville Pke in Columbia TN I’m only beginning to vaguely understand the worth and purpose that comes from giving up my lower-will and surrendering. Thank you Lord for your Grace and Mercy and for shining into me the perceived importance of Man. An over-blown case of the “gimmes”. And that none of what we see appearing in this infrastructure of man’s creation (within a broad spectrum) is necessary to be happy and whole on the inside. What matters to you? What can you go without? What am I stuck on that I want/need to forgive? Why do I hold onto ideas which cause me to live in the past or future? Do I need everything I want, just because I have the resources to buy/obtain it or allow myself to be persuaded into needing it. What are we thinking? We’re human. We are beautiful and we are incomplete. I desire completeness and I KNOW you do to if you’re reading this. Allow it into your life, drop the grudges, refuse to let “the news” give you the faith of a victim. None of us are. Especially the guy with Tourette’s, OCD, ADHD, blah blahblahblah. ” I’m sure if You wanted to stop love, you could untie your end, but You don’t” Mr. Cody, if you ever read this.. I love you so much and I believe in you. So much, my friend.
I love you guys. I love you guys. I love you guys. I love you guys. I love you too, Ryan Rado.
I went to Salt Lake city to see a chiropractor about what I thought were heel spurs, they weren’t. We got to know each other well over the past week and he asked me to be a part of his video log. Here it is. I love you guys. If you need to hear it again.. you know how to get a hold of me.