June 19, 2013
HEY! Anyone out there? Well, in case you stumble back upon this blog I’ll quickly explain -
Well, may be I’ll just start from right here. Over this 1.5 year experience of joblessness, racking my brain to heal an otherwise incurable disease and the breaking down of things I used to let rule me(and at time, still do) I’ve been writing it all down. Haven’t been sharing it too much in order to keep my own record of transparancy through reading a year+ worth of ideas, observations and self-alalysis. My conclusion – I don’t really know anything. Also, the more and more I believe I have something other to offer than only what is inside of me, the more and more I become deceived by the pursuit and acheivement of status in the eyes of men. The physical world is only one beautiful manifestation of Our Father’s love. How much greater is the world that is unseen? The vibrations and refractions of light and energy and the mechanics of surrendering our frail attempts to become BIG. Realizing there is no “BIG”, and that humans only come in one size: small. … Limitlessness of God will overtake men, no matter how firey, unique or iconic he is. Father, overtake our high notions of self.
This next part is the basis for a book I’ve been writing called Duties Dishes. Say that title a few over and I think you’ll get it. :)
(please excuse any typos and grammatical errrrs.)
Dishes and laundry. I’m not really into doing either. I’m not sure if the posture I’m holding is incorrect or what, but I tend to get incredibly frustrated and tense as all get out. I begin talking out loud to myself and I quickly get in arguments with my past. It sure is strange. Doing dishes with involuntary movements creates broken dishes. So, for a long time, I’d do the plastic dishes and Christina would do the glass dishes. I’ve shattered mason jars we used to can food and some of my Mother-in-law’s old “china” plates. Not to mention numerous glasses, bowls and other fragile stuff. It’s the right hand, arm and side of my torso down to my lifting my left leg. This will cause something inside of my body to juggle and repeatedly throw up and down whatever is in my hand. So, I‘ve smashed phones, other people’s phones, restaurant glasses, iPods, computers, sunglasses..all of the fragile stuff. Laundry isn’t very fragile, but something about the repetitive movement and shifting of limbs make something so routine take so long and require a lot more energy.
Now to relate this to life. Routine. It requires a lot of energy for the discipline of routine. Having the critical thinking ability to not just throw everything out the window and stay on course. Work, school, family, recreational commitments, church, friends, our past and the possibilities and anxieties of the future. The obligations and commitments without even a loose understanding of the word “discipline” defined will eventually crush motivation for anything other than what keeps us barley breathing and just getting by. I saw a bumper sticker today in the parking lot of McDonald’s out here in Hohenwald that read “ Work sucks – I’m goin’ on tour”. I chuckled, I didn’t laugh. I didn’t laugh because I’ve had that exact thought and did that exact thing.
In 2004 I was living in the West End Apartments with a number of other friends. We occupied on floor of this old hotel building. The place was sweet, and in a great location. It was dank, to say the very least. Dank in every form. I was going through numerous jobs, numerous times of not having jobs, over-weight, very tired and a space cadet. I saw other friends working and gaining stability in order to do the work they were passionate about. Bands, art.. Well, that’s about all there was for us. Church! There was church, too.
Anyway, I was depressed, I was girlfriend-less and broke and 24 years old. I thought I’d be CEO, CFO and General Manager of the world by now. So, what did I do? I left an apartment, a car (which I was “financing” from a friend”, friends . I went on tour. Bailed out! I ran in a van to California for 3 weeks. After that 3 weeks? I was in the same position. Tired, depressed, broke, but n now I had a girlfriend! And, this girlfriend would later become my wife. Sheesh, talk about a diamond in the rough!
I smashed everything and took The Big Easy. And, after The Big Easy gave in, I was “stupefied”. I had my pride, though! I couldn’t let anyone know that I fallen flat on my fat face. What now? Back to the routine! And, on and on.. In and out, around and never really straight through. I took the easy road in nearly every scenario. If I didn’t want to do the dishes, or didn’t have the energy – smash. Job – smash. Friends – smash. You get it.
Christina and moved to the country inn Columbia, TN about 1.5 years ago. We were in line to find our own sense of peace. I was still smashing dishes and driving like a goof. I was still irresponsible and incredibly mind-spaced. I took Disability Benefits and began to sink.
However, we needed this time away. We needed to be the only people in our lives for a good while. We had been living very separate lives. I’d be doing band stuff, and other things that would lead me out at night with the intention of just “doing” something. Mostly so I wouldn’t feel like a lazy critter. So, I could give myself purpose and worth. She would be at home watching movies, and just being by herself. We were both great at isolating, but in completely different ways. Shoot, I was living as a single guy again with a woman who helped pay the bills. We committed our lives to each other, but only in business. We had the intention of slowing down and getting to know each other more deeply, but we were spinning and sinking.
I couldn’t handle routine. I couldn’t handle the mundane aspects of my Non-rock-star-celebrity life. I’m a normal dude, and at that time.. There was no way I was going to settle for that crap. Not me! Ryan Rado – I’m huge! So, I went back to smashing. I was working to escape a normal life. Work a job.. Get a check.. Be married.. And procure happiness. I was doing everything to stay far away from that, maybe because it didn’t seem real. Not for me. For others..sure, but I’m way different from “all of the others”. Well, that mindset just about killed me. I lived in the aspiration of becoming noticed. Noticed for an occupation rather than who I actually am on the inside. Know for what I do, not who I am. Okay, what was I doing? Working some, band guy, social dude, fringe operator..oh and punk-rocker. Who am I? 1 in 7 billion. HAHAH! That rules! It takes so much of the pressure off. What pressure? To be awesome? Well, yeah. Awesome in the eyes of every socket looking at the internet.
Thank you Lord for breaking my pride with my own power. (Leviticus 12)
Accepting the fact that I’m just a mark, and marks are easily erased. But, I had to go through and not around. I had to allow myself to not have to “be someone”. To live in this world, but not of it. To live a quiet life. Does that require not having any fun? Hmm, don’t think so.. But the idea of fun just shifts. I still like to go to shows and get weird with my friends, but I don’t find myself very bored anymore. At this point (and hopefully there are points to come), I can sit outside and watch the butterflies and the bees, the birds and the tress. I’m a Zen master? NO WAY, JOSE! I still enjoy driving my blood from time to time, but now I don’t have to constantly elevate it to enjoy myself. That, in itself is a “fun-shift” for this guy.
Still don’t like doing dishes and laundry is just, ugh. But, if a man doesn’t work, he doesn’t eat.
The making of the list:
This list consists of duties:
Dishes and making sure the laundry switches.
It’s smart to do chores and they never quit..
It seems like they increase after ya get hitched.
Feeding the dogs and wiping down counters.
Picking up the place n’ ironing my trousers.
Bathroom toilet, sink and shower.
Skin, paper and hair become tiny tall towers.
And, it just feels good to have a clean bathroom.
Cut the frays off of the worn-in blouse
I don’t wear a blouse, but I’m not the only one who lives in this house.
If she needs me to do to the store for unmentionables
I used to feel strange, but acts of service are monumental.
Quality time and loving words.
We so different, but we form one herd.
She’s in my pack and I’m in hers.
Of course there are times
I’d love to step out of line
Throwing out our investment
But, when the mind plays it out again and again
There’s never cooler basement with cooler friends.
Do I think about completely bailing?
Being on the open road to a destination of parasailing?
Well, not necessarily that..but, I guess.
Are there times when her voice is grating?
Okay, that’s enough.. Sure, desire..You win that thought.
But, here’s a list that consists of the catch we’ve caught..
Someone to sleep next to at night
A worthy opponent in unnecessary fights
The expression of a look when I done good.
Someone to sail through seas of should, could and would.
A nice back-rub just when you need it
They tell you every time you got stinky feet-ses.
Breakfast, lunch and dinner we make for the two of us.
The arising argument right in the middle of it
The come-down and splitting off in to
divided rooms and spiteful attitudes
Tracing back through how it all happened
Words, tone, volume and actions
Being courageous while facing exhausted eyes
Hey, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let in those crazy lies.
Dealing with such a group inventors
Reinventing themselves as staunch defenders
We break down and build back up
Give to each other from the same cup
A million reasons why I could bail..
You may not believe it,
Thank you a million for keeping me out of jail.
For that and that alone, I’ll do these dishes before you get home.
Fold the laundry and turn off my phone
These turn into simple pleasures for the privilege of keeping a home.