September 3, 2013
Another fixation impairing me from truly loving people is rigidity; my absoluteness in my own life-patterned rulebook; my belief in the religion of perfection. I’ve grown afraid of disappointing people by doing (in my own life) what they may be afraid of. In other words, through interacting with their lifelong fears, I find myself operating in their fear bubble. I may not have even been aware of such an irrational fear before I began the relationship, but now, here it is. It shows up in different aspects of my life, and not necessarily in the same way it affects the person I acquired it from. It begins to shape-shift and tangle itself around the way I continue to live. The more and more I let it have its way, the more and more I almost forget it’s there, and down the road it morphs into something else in me from another time and may leech onto other people. Like a virus. The enemy comes to kill and destroy. How better to succeed in that than by showing different faces to humans with different faces. Like looking in a mirror, stepping away and forgetting what we look like.
I’m terrified to go in and out of these irrational coloring lines in the coloring book. These lines of operation were drawn on me before I was born. Expectations of my mother and father placed on each of them by their mother and father, and traveling back into our family line. So, my parents were doing what they could, and raising me (in part) the way they were raised. I understand my childhood wasn’t an exact replica of theirs, but I wonder, if we were able to have an overview of our little bloodline, if we’d see that in fact it wasn’t too far off after all. Certainly, I’m not complaining. It may sound like it, but I’m not. I’m writing this in hopes to get some sort of handle on this artery of thought. Maybe it’s unnecessary, and it sure could be, but I’m going to follow it.
So, the lines of conduct. I was trained in the parameters in which to grow – my own garden. I learn and become what is right and what is wrong based on that training. Yes, like a pet. It’s not too presumptuous to liken Ryan Rado to a dog or a pet monkey; in and out, in and out, being corrected for wandering too far outside of the lines and being praised for staying inside of them. I grow, I learn, I make mistakes, I’m corrected. I’ve been corrected, not only by my parents, but by teachers, the law, and other authority figures. Ahhh! Based on my education (as a grower), I don’t quite understand how to get it completely right. I get the idea of “never getting it all right,” I think. Well, no I don’t; because now, I’m susceptible on a cognitive level to impositions of sex, class, race and being shunned if I like Fruit Stripe Gum over Wrigley’s. Do you chew gum? What kind? Well, it’s not the “right kind.” I’m going to pressure you into changing. Got ya!
Now you’re allowing my preferences into your psyche, and these preferences were absorbed by me through the conduit of my upbringing, the right and wrongs my family lines observed. Pretty soon we’re lost, and that’s no way to live a good life. One reason could be that we’re so afraid of having our own ideas and ways of living. Sure we think we do, but, everything we do, eat, and prefer has been brought to us by SoSo Company or This Group, Inc.
What do we do? We please. We live our lives to please everyone. Even if we’re the most “in control being” and “independent thinker,” unaffected by others’ bull, we’re still so easily boxed and shipped to wherever the influencer wants to send us. We should take more time with meditation and prayer, and get even a couple fingers on why we choose McDonald’s over Burger King on certain days and depending on the way we’re “feeling.” Emotions drive us to addictions; addictions drive us to living emotionally. Back and forth, rocking and rolling, blundering and sinking. Yeah, I think too much… And sometimes I’m able to understand myself. Not all the time, but sometimes.
My fears cause me to want to control each situation. Everything is to line up. And, if the event or interaction doesn’t meet my expectations (either way), everything has gone or will go wrong. Based on my performance, I’ve caused it to go wrong! I don’t care what you say, it’s all because of little ole moi. It’s mostly because I’m so self-focused that I can’t allow any room for anyone else to piss somebody off. It’s always me, even if I haven’t seen you in a long, long time.
A good thing for me to keep in mind is this: My performance is nearly never 100% complete. I’ll never do the job 100% the way my boss wants me to. I’ll never write the thoughts you were expecting to read. We’ll never measure up to each other. Well, what if that race was never to be won? What if the idea of “being so awesome on the internet” wasn’t even a thing? Or, even better yet, what if we weren’t so freaking offended by everything all the time?! Ugh, that would be sweet, eh?
A buddy of mine admitted to me one time, “I find myself writing for my audience.” Whoa. That about floored me. We’re all doing that in some way. I’m making Facebook posts and Tweets to cause either a positive or negative response! It doesn’t matter what you give me, just give me something! It’s kind of like us as children acting like monkeys, taking whatever attention we can get, a hug or a smack.
We become legal-beagles, adhering to sets of assumed rules, spoken and unspoken. We sign up for an internship with every other authority on every other subject we choose or are influenced to pursue. I take my inventory by other human standards. I judge myself based on the other performances in this production. The universal motion picture.
Soon, our worth and purpose begin to rise and swell. We think. But, really what it’s doing is deceivingly cracking and flaking. Others may be able to see it, but us? Never. We’re all good! Then, the comments start…
He is so..
I’m way more than..
I cannot believe..
Have you heard this?
We need to..
If they say one more thing..
I’m sick of this..
We’re big. We’re flying way above. Eventually our inertia and fuel run out and we’re on our way back down. What shall we do? I need to keep the affirmations rolling in! I’m afraid to go back to the self before constant recognition! I may be exposed for being who I used to be! I know, I’ll assume a different role! I’ll try out for a different part in my production! I need to reinvent myself within the parameters of the fear bubble. Yes! I just can’t bear the thought of being who I was before I had all of This.
We perpetuate the pursuit of “This;” eventually it festers and becomes putrid. We destroy, we’re destroyed.
A prayer for us.
Father show us how blessed we are in our unbelief. Our time as measured in days, years and light years is a weak calculation as You are The Beginning and The End. We are role players. Thank you for our futile understanding of Cosmos. As we understand such complex strategies to uncover truth, let us not bury ourselves in selfish intention.
Give us the strength to be content. Living from discontentment to discontentment is so tiring. It’s just so we have something to fight. People, let us surrender to Hashem, boundless. Surrender us to the rules and rigidity men have placed on You by generational train-wrecks.
It’s okay for us to admit our weakness and our un-mastered sense of self. Our fight for internal freedom will never come from loud, obnoxious protesting. There is no man who possesses such power to grant such a freedom.